A new book on negotiating claims that win-win
negotiation can only get you into trouble. People will take advantage of you.
It's a waste of time.
I am appalled that readers are exposed to this
kind of nonsense, but I can understand why many negotiators are hesitant to try
the cooperative approach. Here are their reasons:
- They are afraid
of being taken advantage of by a ruthless opponent.
- They are too
lazy to change the way they have always negotiated.
- Even if they
wanted to, they don't know how to change bad habits.
The question is: Is win-win worth all
the effort?
I believe it is. A tragic incident in my hometown, the
Monterey Peninsula on the Central California coast, illustrates the superiority
of collaboration over confrontation.
Three days ago, Mel Grimes returned to his secluded Carmel Valley home at the
end of his workday. The 58-year-old Mr. Grimes was an attorney with an
excellent reputation in the local community. As he pulled into his driveway,
his progress was impeded by a boulder. That's right. A boulder. Not a rock, but
a BOULDER!
It seems that a disagreement had existed for some time between Mr. Grimes and
his next-door neighbor, Jack Kenney, a 72-year-old geologist, over a part of
the driveway that both of them shared. Mr. Kenney held the position that a
portion of the driveway was his property and that Mr. Grimes had no right to
use it. On that afternoon, Mr. Kenney had arranged for a large boulder to be
set in place blocking access to Mr. Grimes' driveway. When Mr. Grimes arrived
and saw the boulder, he confronted Mr. Kenney and emotions ran wild.
The police log shows that Mr. Grimes' wife, Elizabeth, 55, called and requested
police assistance in quelling the hostile confrontation. Then, from her kitchen
window, she saw Mr. Kenney pull out an automatic pistol and fire it at Mr.
Grimes. Mrs. Grimes ran outside to help her husband and was also gunned down by
Mr. Kenney. Mr. Grimes was pronounced dead at the scene and Mrs. Grimes died on
the way to the hospital.
Three lives were ruined. Had these unfortunate people used my Three Rules for
Win-Win Negotiating, all of them would still be living productive lives. Here
are the rules (from my book, Negotiation Boot Camp
):
- Change your
behavior from adversarial to cooperative.
In other
words, don't adopt the other person's hostility, try to understand their
behavior, and treat them like a partner.
- Develop trust by
listening.
Don't
blame the other person. Give them a chance to tell you what their real
needs are. We trust people who listen to us. Trust is a prerequisite to
collaboration.
- Explore options
for mutual satisfaction.
How can both of us get our
needs met? Brainstorm the problem together.
Judging by the facts, Mr. Grimes and Mr. Kenney
treated each other as adversaries, failed to maintain an open discourse, and
did not explore their options for solving the disagreement. The atmosphere was
one of total distrust.
In Negotiation Boot Camp
, I describe a similar negotiation
that I had with my next-door neighbor over the fence between our properties.
Without notifying my neighbor, I extended the fence by three feet to prevent
outsiders (including my neighbor) from looking into my living room, one side of
which is all glass. When she saw the addition to the fence, my neighbor angrily
remarked, "What's the big idea? That fence ruins the whole look of my
house!"
Her comment was clearly absurd. Ruin the whole look of her house? That is an
insult to my intelligence, I thought. My initial reaction was anger. How dare
she behave in such an inconsiderate manner? But then I realized that she was
just upset because I had not informed her in advance that I intended to extend
the fence, which, after all, was on her property as well as mine. What she was
really after was an apology.
I made an on-the-spot decision not to react to her anger. Changing my behavior
from adversarial to cooperative, I simply said, "I'm sorry. Just tell me
what you want me to do, and I'll take care of it." She was so surprised by
my conciliatory response that she dropped her complaint. I had successfully
resisted the temptation to mirror my neighbor's rude behavior. Instead, I made
the effort to understand her motivation and treated her with the respect due to
a partner. It worked.
Of course you will find yourself in some situations where win-win does not
work. But I contend that those unpleasant experiences are in the minority. Most
of the time, if you are willing to set an example by applying the Three Rules,
treating the other negotiator as a partner, they will follow your lead and both
of you will enjoy a fruitful relationship.
Here is a summary of the benefits of win-win negotiating:
- Both sides enjoy
having their needs met.
- The anxiety that
accompanies adversarial negotiation disappears when the objective is not
to win but rather to help each other. Yes, negotiation actually becomes
fun!
- The emotional
explosions that characterize confrontations like the one described at the
beginning of this article are channeled into creative, productive
outcomes.
- Collaboration
leads to mutually beneficial long-term relationships.
People in and out of the business world are
tired of the old paradigm for negotiating in which we try to abuse each other
in order to win. Public consciousness is shifting in the direction of
collaboration, and I think it's about time.
Ed Brodow is a keynote speaker and author of Negotiation Boot Camp: How to Resolve Conflict, Satisfy Customers, and Make Better Deals.
For more information on his presentations, call 831-372-7270
or e-mail ed@brodow.com.
Copyright © 2018 Ed Brodow. All rights reserved.
